The Boat Ramp/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You know, throughout history, men have made some pretty important statements... Give me liberty or give me death. I regret that I have one life to give for my country. And the most famous, nobody touches my stuff. See, men are territorial by nature, and of all the things in the natural world that a man will fight to hold onto, nothing is more sacred than the t.V. Remote. We're watching t.V., we hold on to this thing like a fat kid with a corn dog. Every now and then you need to have both hands free. Like when you want to pick up your beverage and the snack bowl at the same time. And in that split second, your wife steals the remote and the next thing you know, you're watching dr. Phil. This is a good time to remember the second law of marital dynamics... She won't steal what she can't use. See, this remote doesn't have any batteries in it at all. They're duct taped to my wrist here, and you see these wires. They're connected to the rings that I have on my fingers, which just happen to line up on the contacts on the back of the remote. Happy flipping. Oh, never could remember which finger the wedding ring goes on. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. Appreciate it. Sorry I'm a little bit late. We were trying to launch my new boat. Boy, she's a beauty. Classic, wooden hull. Got a little bit of rot in her, but it was only 30 bucks including the air fresheners. The problem is the darn boat ramp. We've got so many sunken boats, tow vehicles and snowmobiles in there you have to actually pry your trailer through the shipwrecks. [ applause ] this is not funny. Harold, I told you to stay in the boat. It sank to the bottom! You said that wouldn't happen again. It's the darn boat ramp, harold. There's so much sunken crap in there. That's the problem. Well, call the people that left all their stuff in there to get them to haul it out. People can't be bothered doing that. How do you know? Because it's my stuff and I can't be bothered doing that. See, all we got to do is build a new boat ramp over the old boat ramp. Oh, what do you know about building boat ramps? Oh harold, it's pretty darn simple. It's like gravity, like being a plumber. All you got to remember is that water goes downhill and payday's Friday. No, it's not like plumbing. It's engineering. Please, do me a favour. Please! Just build a scale model of the boat ramp first. Oh, harold. Yeah, because if it works in miniature, it will work in normal size. All right. All right, okay. But I want you to think about the plan that I come up with and see if it makes sense in your mind. I will be happy to do that. Good, because if it works in miniature, it'll work in normal size. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] yes, sir, and today's prize is a coupon to have your picture taken with bobo, the world's largest rabbit. He stands four foot tall at the shoulder and each ear weighs 50 pounds. Oh, warning, do not shout around bobo or dress up as a carrot. Okay, red -- cover your ears. You got 30 seconds to get winston to say this word... Yeah, okay, all right. And... Go! Ah, okay, winston, if you know somebody and you can reveal your personal secrets to them and they won't tell anybody, what kind of friend is that? An imaginary one. Okay. No. No. No. This is something people do behind closed doors. Hide? Remember when harold got mad because we all read his diary? That's because the things that were written in there were... Hilarious. Time's almost up, red. Okay, winston, you know I never talk about bernice and I and the things that we do, you know, like later on in the evening at night, okay, because it's... Boring. No, we're talking about what bernice and I do in the bedroom. Oh, right. Renovations. You have no idea what goes on in the bedroom, winston? Well, I doubt there's much going on between you and bernice if that's what you're trying to intimate. Yeah. That's it. Welcome to the expert portion of the show. This is the part of the program where we examine those three little words that men find so hard to say... Audience: I don't know! That's 'cause it's true. Okay, here's today's letter, goes as follows... "dear experts" -- la la la. "I've been happily married for 23 years, "but lately an attractive woman at my office "has been making passes at me. "how can I tell her that I'm not interested "without hurting her feelings? "has this ever happened to you?" um -- dalton? I'm still stuck on the happily married part. Oh, brother. You guys. Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's not like we haven't had beautiful young women pursuing us, harold. Yeah, yeah, that's right. We're just trying to remember what we did in each individual circumstance. Maybe you woke up? Any chance you'll ever wake up, harold? You know, I remember now. Once I was with pam stubbs in port asbestos, you know. And there we were all alone in her office. She reaches over and she closes the door. She starts asking me a whole bunch of personal questions. She reaches over, she starts touching my knee. She's an arthritis specialist, dalton. Okay. Well, okay. I suppose all sorts of women are interested in you. Well, as a matter of fact I do. Yes, I do. In fact I do. And the other day, I heard old man sedgwick's daughter tell harold that she really likes my furry beard. She didn't say she likes your furry beard. No, she said she thought you were very weird. Well, I can see we need someone here with some personal experience, which is me, la la la. This should be good. Well, my advice to this viewer is that you simply take this person aside, in private, and say, although someone as wonderful as them is very tempting, it simply cannot be. Actually, that's not bad. Yeah, but what if it doesn't work? Oh, then you got to be firmer. Yeah, you just say, okay, I'm not interested and I never could be. You know, and you got to stop hanging out in front of my house, and you got to stop telling your friends that you're going out with me, and if you don't I'm going to call the police on you, harold green. [ applause ] you know, you try your best to save the environment. Switch to an electric lawn mower, where does it get you? Back to the hardware store for another 100 feet of extension cord. Don't worry, as usual, I've got a better idea. First thing we have to do is take down this chain link fence. I'm sure some of you have seen streetcars, and if you're not familiar with streetcars, I'm sure you're driven bumper cars, and if you're not familiar with bumper cars, you're probably not watching this show. We're going to use that same technology to make our modified electric lawn mower here. See, you've got two wires coming off the electric motor. I attach one of them to the frame of the mower, and the other one I attach to this fence post here. Some of you may have already noticed that I've replaced the standard issue rubber lawn mower tires with these clothesline pulleys because they're metal and they conduct electricity. Not that you need to be metal to conduct electricity, as old man sedgwick found out when he relieved himself onto a power transformer. Okay, the only other modification we need here is to make a softer contact point for my fence post. Done. Okay, so instead of hooking the lawn mower up direct with an extension cord, which I've run over for the third time this month, only to find out that the warranty covers their mistakes, not mine, I've got a different way to hook up the electricity. Took one wire, attached it to this spike I've got in the ground, see, and that connects to the metal wheels on the lawn mower. And then the other wire I attached to this electric grid that I've made out of the chain link fence. Once the leaf rake connects to that, you see, that closes the circuit, makes the lawn mower go. Isn't that a lot safer than lugging around a dangerous extension cord? So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. And now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to save the environment. I want to talk to you older guys about your good looks -- or more specifically, where they went. Now, you may think that your handsome, youthful body is behind you, but the people standing back there may not necessarily agree with you. You look bad, but here's the good news... You look way better than you're going to look. Unless, of course, you start eating right and exercising. Yeah! Okay, sure, I'm suppose you could start wearing makeup and a girdle and have some cosmetic surgery, but you know what? That's for guys who bake pies and make their own curtains. I got a better idea. As your looks start slipping, so should your standards. You don't have to look good. You just have to look good enough. Don't get a facelift. Just sit near a basset hound. You'll look fine. Don't make any effort at all. See, apathy is the key to a youthful appearance. I mean, teenagers don't care about anything. See how young they look? And don't worry about people saying you let yourself go. They've already been saying that about you for 10 years. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. I guess I'm just lucky. Well, some people go through their entire lives without ever really knowing their true purpose. But for me ever since I was a young boy, I've known that I was put on this earth to suck sewage. Oh, sure, yeah, the kids used to tease me a bit. They'd say, winston likes to suck sewage or, there goes winston the sewage sucker. Or I also remember them saying, hey, winston, why don't you go suck some sewage? You know, that type of thing. But where are those kids now? Okay, well, actually, a lot of them have done pretty well for themselves, but that's not the point, right? Yeah, yeah. I think when folks call me they know they're getting a real person. Yeah, sure, you could call one of those big, faceless multinational sewage sucking companies, but, you know, it's not always about who has the biggest truck, right? It's about -- it's about people, people with, uh, septic tanks. If you're having a problem, call me. We'll talk. I'm here to lighten your load. [ applause ] I don't know what it is about a middle-aged guy and the sound of running water. If I was deaf, I would've had this done an hour ago. Uncle red, here's the board that you wanted. No, no, no. It's not a board. That's my model boat ramp. See, I'm doing what you said, harold. I'm building the whole thing in miniature, see, 'cause arguing is just a waste of time and energy. Now, that sounds like a mature man. No, it sounds like a married man, harold. Now you see this tub here? That represents possum lake. Well, that can't be. This is water. And you see all this scrap here? That represents the various boats and towing vehicles that have come to an untimely demise during the launching process. Now, is this to scale? It's a little low, but I ran out of broken toys. And now, of course, what we have here is the tow vehicle, and we got the boat that we're actually trying to launch. That is so cute! All right. All right! I'll be sure to tell ken and barbie that you liked it. Now, we just -- see, we just put our boat ramp into place just like that, see? Ah! Yeah. Yeah. How do you get on to it? Oh, no, okay, you see, you drag her back just past the halfway point and she slips down this way. Then you take your unit and as you do it, simple as this, you back her up, back her up, back her up, then once you get past the halfway point, see -- red: We had a problem. We had kind of a flash flood, and we knew that the water was going to come up in possum lake because moose thompson had done a cannonball up near port asbestos. And it was coming up over, and we knew we had to do something and do it quick. And we had this boat out the back, and she wasn't in the best shape, and we thought if we could get her out of the way, move her out, because she doesn't float. And unfortunately, she's pretty heavy and kind of rotted into the ground, so we thought, you know, rather than trying to move the boat what we can do is to build kind of a dyke, a wall around it. Just needed a couple of shovels. Okay, this is the down side of never cleaning out your van. I'm not saying you have to clean out your van. Just that if you're not going to clean out your van and you're trying to get a shovel out of her, you got to be pretty creative. So now the idea is we're going to dig up some sand and we're gonna make some sandbags. So I'm telling dalton and walter to go to get us some bags. Any kind of bags you can get. So dalton sees a garbage can there and figures he'll just use those garbage bags. So we got a fair amount of sand there, and then walter shows up, and I was impressed that he had emptied the garbage bags first. And I asked him, where did you empty them exactly? And then. I definitely got to clean out that van one day soon. So we started making the sandbags and did kind of like a bucket brigade unit there. I mean, they're heavy. They are heavy. And you just sort of move one guy down to the next and so on. The water was starting to come up but we're getting there. You just start slow and watch out for the shovel there, dalton. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy... No, we're good. So get that out of there. I didn't realize it had actually cut the bag, and this one wasn't quite as heavy as the other one. And I don't know quite what you're going to do with that one, dalton. Anyway, time went by and we eventually got all the bags made up. And dalton's wondering how high the water is at this point. She was coming up pretty good. So walter, get a boost up there, reach over the side, and see how high the water is. You can actually feel it. Water's pretty close -- oh, my gosh. Look out. Look out. Look out. Oh, oh! It's your wake-up call. And put that back where it belongs. There you go. Look at the water, it's right up there. Suddenly, I remember, the possum van. Oh, my gosh. It's caught out there. So walter says he'll go and get it. He's gonna put the life thing on, and he's gonna use the rope from the boat to anchor himself so he can control the flood and so on, because we're pretty much at the height over there. She's startin' to come down a little bit. What he didn't realize is that there's a fair bit of current going there and it's starting to pull on him real hard and he actually ended up pulling the boat up and over the wall of dyke. And by then, of course, the water had run away and there's walter. Okay, everything's good. Well, look at this. I did get the possum van cleaned out. You know, one of the important differences between canada and the states is that up here we get a $2.40 refund for a case of empty beer bottles. Oh, sure, up here, a case of beer costs $20 more, but that only matters if you're buying. See, but the problem is our american friends end up with all these empty cases of beer, and they're looking for suggestions on what to do with them. Well, here's a natural... An outdoor urinal. Kinda completes the circle, doesn't it? And in keeping with the beer case motif, I cut up a refrigerator box and made flaps for the top of the unit so that it closes up, just like the real thing. And the beauty of this design, in the good weather, you can just push up on the roof, make yourself a skylight. Mind you, you know, it's not all that dark in here 'cause I added a few beer bottle windows. They let the light in, but they still maintain your privacy. And it's your choice on those. You can go with the standard brown longnecks, or, for a little taste of mexico, try the clear bottles, and if you really want to impress the neighbours, go with the green imports. Now, the toilet itself is an empty keg. Just crack the lid up, and you're in business. Oh, sure, it's a little cramped, but as I say, this is a men's urinal... Standing room only. My mother always said it's not good for your health to sit in a draft. It was a good idea to build a model. You know, harold was right. Boy, that's hard to say. But we got her all figured out. We actually got the real thing out for a trial run there. Mike's actually going to be our test pilot. Okay, mr. Green, I'm all set to drive the possum van. Have you got the keys? No, I think they're in it. Not a problem. But mike, what if they're not in it? Not a problem. Hey, uncle red. Harold, we've had a bit of a breakthrough here. We don't actually have to get the possum van over the scrap, we just got to get the boat to go over the scrap. Really? Yeah. Yeah. So what we did was we moved the marina outhouse -- 'cause nobody uses it anyway, unless there are women there, and then that becomes the fulcrum for our boat ramp. Right. But where we were going wrong is that the teeter-totter thing didn't have enough oomph to her. So I duct-taped a couple of hockey sticks together to hold the ramp up. Then I firmed up the hitch on the possum van, so now when the possum van comes up, it hits the hockey sticks and... [ applause ] all right, harold. Let's see how it works in the normal world, huh? Yeah, but you don't live in the normal world. Okay, mike, let her go. [ engine starts ] keep your eye on the lake, watch for the splash. [ crash ] oh, no! [ cheers and applause ] [ possum squealing ] [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Followed by question period. Okay, you go ahead, I'll be right down, harold. Okay, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, and as hugh hefner once said, you eventually get too old to be fooling around with models. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself, harold and the whole gang, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right, men, I need a show of hands, anybody who's willing to help clean up the crap out of the boat ramp. Okay, okay, I'll sweeten the deal. You get to keep whatever you haul out of there. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com